I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
