Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i need an iv and a liver transplant
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
