Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
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