just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
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