My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
