Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Randomize
