I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
