Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
