they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Randomize
