Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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