Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Randomize
