So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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