Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
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