can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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