She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
