evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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