Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
