Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Randomize
