I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
Quick, to the slutcave!
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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