You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
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