Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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