he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
