So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
