I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Randomize
