your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
