I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
