I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Im part way to drunk.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
