Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
