He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
