There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
