I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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