They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
