Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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