I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
is wine microwaveable?
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
