All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
