Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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