Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
