So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
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