i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
