My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Randomize
