umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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