I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Also, beer. Big fan.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
