i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
