3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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