When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
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