My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
I could make wine with my vomit
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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