The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I could make wine with my vomit
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Randomize
