I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
