Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
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