The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
