Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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