put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Watching her eat just hurts me
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Randomize
