so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
