Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
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