There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
a search helicopter?!
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
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