I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
